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West Virginia
FARM KID in Marines
The Potty
"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"
Funny Directions to Follow
West Virginia
FARM KID in Marines
(Now at San Diego Marine Corps Recruit Training)
Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt
and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a
mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6
a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all
you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some
things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it
is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant,
pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit
by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus
yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no
wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long
walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell
him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox
at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in
trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The
Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just
ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye
is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting
at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie
there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own
cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get
to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though,
they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull
at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug
Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once.. He joined
up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8'
and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Alice
The Potty
A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother
thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's
up.
The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book but about every
15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto
the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of
his head with his right hand.
His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."
Billy says: "I’m fine, mommy. I just haven't gone potty yet."
Mother says: "Ok, you can stay here a few more minutes.
But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"
Billy says: “Works for ketchup.”
"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"
This is a hoot .... sad, because it is TRUE ...... but a hoot!!!!By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...
In order to continue getting-by in America (our homeland), we all need
to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following
conversation until you are able to understand the term
"TENJOOBERRYMUDS". With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right
in.
Now, here goes...
The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel
guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old USA today.......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: "Rye. Roon sirbees....morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow July den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine. "
Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
Guest: "I..... don't think so.."
Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'jud o wan sahn toes' means."
Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
Room Service: "We bodder?"
Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."
Room Service: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."
Room Service: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."
Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
Room Service: "Tenjooberrymuds."
Guest: "You're welcome."
Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' "......and you do, don't you! And you thought you
didn't speak a foreign language!!
Funny Directions to Follow
In
case you need further proof the human race is doomed through stupidity,
here are some actual label instructions on current consumer goods.
On a Sear's hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping."(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. "Details inside." (The shoplifter special)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But, it's "just" a suggestion)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)
On Marks Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows day)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But, wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce
the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those
5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals." (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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